ReviewsandRants

Rigo's Super Macho Weekend of Super Machoness

Since my wife and daughter were going to spend the better part of a week losing all track of time on a Mexican beach without me, I thought I would take advantage of my weekend alone to celebrate the lost art of being macho.  I feel you cringing, and I don't blame you.  But you have to know that when you see guys being loud and obnoxious in a movie theater, that is not macho; when you see a dude wear flip flops to a restaurant, that is not macho; when you see some douche making an idiot of himself because he's had too much to drink at a bar, that is not macho.  To be macho is to be entirely self-sufficient; to take the time to think about what you want to do, and then do it; it is above all to enjoy the entirety of each day you live.  Or something.

As soon as I knew I wouldn't be able to join my family for a few days off, I immediately planned my dinners for the weekend -- with foods and restaurants my wife hates getting the priority.  On Friday, I had Papa John's pizza (or Mr. John's pizza, whatever the old EC franchise is calling itself now) with a big ol' bucket of that garlic butter sauce my wife hates.  The next night I tweaked a recipe from the food blog Eggs on Sunday and made maple black pepper lamb chops (I don't have the words to tell you how satisfying that meal was.  It's an easy recipe.  You should make it.  Just saying).  And finally, on Sunday, I had the carne asada plate at Rosa's in Calexico -- which isn't a plate of food as much as it is a giant slab of meat that you do your best to finish.  Rosa was nice to me, in her own way, and brought out what she called her salsa especial.  It's a blended salsa that by itself is already smoky and delicious, but then she adds diced fresh onion, roughly chopped cilantro, sliced radishes and avocado.  It's a really sharp and perky salsa, and I loved it, but she kept walking by and insisting I hated it for some reason.  No te gusto, ¿verdad? Yo se que no te gusto.  ¿Porque no te gusto?  I can't tell you how close I was to eating that salsa right out of the bowl like a chilled soup to convince her of how much I liked it.  I'm a giant, and even I don't want to be on Rosa's bad side.

So on a weekend with plenty of great movies to choose from, I chose the most macho of them all.  I could have watched Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, which is getting nice reviews as an all around fun movie.  Re-watching The Other Guys or Inception was another solid option -- Will Ferrell movies are always funnier the second, third or fourth time around, and Inception ... I haven't had a ride like that since the Matrix came out ten years ago.  But no movie out this past weekend was more macho than The Expendables.

From the very first scene it's made very clear the kind of movie you're in for.  Dolph Lundgren, of Rocky IV fame, plays a character who is addicted to two things, some unknown drug and killing people.  Appropriately named Gunner, he's a loose canon on a crew of mercenaries known as the Expendables, who we first see in action in a hostage situation.  They have boarded a boat that has been hijacked by African pirates in order to deliver the ransom being demanded for the boat's crew.  When negotiations grow tense, Lundgren's character responds by firing a shot from a gun so huge that a single bullet causes a man's entire upper body to explode.  Once all the bad guys are dead (some twenty seconds later), blinded by blood lust, Gunner attempts to hang a pirate's corpse, "Cuz they'd do it to ussshhh!"  When Jet Li's character (named [sigh] Yin Yang) stops him from committing this atrocity, which is apparently unacceptable even though they had just mutilated and killed a dozen men without hesitation, Gunner defends himself by whipping out the biggest knife I've ever seen in my life.  As if that wasn't enough, at one point later in the movie [double sigh] Hale Caeser, (played by the lovable, hard working dad from Everybody Hates Chris, Terry Crews) annihilates wave after wave of enemy guards and demolishes entire guard towers using his fully automatic shotgun.  Fully.  Automatic.  Shotgun.  Complete with hand crafted rounds that look like little warheads.  But Stallone, who wrote and directed, never tries even slightly to hide what The Expendables is, 100 minutes of over the top ridiculousness, and that was pretty fun. 

Hey, what's this movie about again?

But for all the testosterone (supplements) in this movie, it's clear that machoness has changed.  Each of these mercenaries is flawed in ways you'd never expect to see in a movie like this.  Whereas action movie heroes are usually driven by revenge, honor and/or glory, Stallone's character is driven by the desire to save his soul.  His right hand man (played by B-movie action king Jason Statham) is named Lee Christmas.  With a name like that, no wonder his girlfriend left him and moved on to another man after not hearing from him for only a month.  Real life tough guy and former UFC champ Randy Couture plays a character who is in therapy and is very sensitive about his cauliflower ear.  I mean, where's Bullitt?  Where's Harry Callahan?  Heck, where's John Rambo? 

Clearly, being macho ain't what it used to be.  So I was more than happy to have my daughter back this week, even if that meant spending my evenings trying to watch PTI on DVR while she puts her favorite hats and necklaces on me.

Avatar, no not the ridiculous Cameron flick

Can I confess something?  I love cartoons, and so far this has been a solid summer for the cartoon lover in me.  First, Comedy Central resurrected one of my favorites, Futurama.  It’s a hilarious sci-fi based cartoon where the laughs can come from anywhere -- organized religion, board games, quantum physics, puking goats, anywhere.  When I heard Futurama was coming back I had every confidence it would be great, and three episodes into its new season it hasn’t disappointed.  I was less confident when I saw the trailer for the live action film adaptation of Nickelodeon’s cartoon, Avatar: The Last Airbender.  I wasn’t sure the movie would be able to capture the cartoon’s charm, especially not after seeing M. Night Shyamalan would be directing (it turns out he wrote, directed and produced the movie … it was entirely a Shyamalan project, it would seem).  But all in all, it wasn’t too bad.

 

If you’re unfamiliar with the cartoon the movie is based on (if you are familiar with the cartoon, just skip the next two paragraphs … oh, and skip the first hour of the movie too), The Last Airbender takes place in a fictional world populated by four peoples: the Water Tribes, the Earth Kingdom, the Air Nomads, and the Fire Nation.  Each of these groups have individuals who practice their people’s particular brand of kung fu, with the caveat that practicing their martial art enables them to wield the power of the element to which they belong (the Fire Nation controls fire, the Water Tribes control water and so on).  Those gifted with this incredible ability are called “benders,” I assume because they can bend an element to their will.  In recent years, under the rule of its leader Fire Lord Ozai, the Fire Nation has set out on a campaign of world domination.  It is a ruthless tribe that uses its advanced technology to produce war machines that overwhelm those who oppose them.  The world’s only hope for salvation is the Avatar (a term taken from Hinduism which, "refers to a deliberate descent of a deity from heaven to earth").  The Avatar is a being that can control all four elements by mastering each of the tribes’ martial arts, maintains balance and peace in the world, and reincarnates to a different tribe each time that he or she dies.

 

The world is a bit screwed though, since this generation’s Avatar (a child from the Air Nomads named Aang) is a reluctant one, having suddenly disappeared before he could be officially given his title.  Knowing the Avatar is the greatest threat to their global ambitions, the Fire Nation turns to genocide and eradicates the Air Nomads.  All the while, Aang and his faithful pet giant flying bison Appa are on ice, literally frozen in a state of suspended animation inside a glacier for 100 years (making him the Last Airbender get it?... the title is -- OK, you get it).  All this has happened, and then the movie starts when a young brother and sister from the Southern Water Tribe (named Sokka and Katara respectively) accidentally free Aang from his icy tomb.  Having wasted a century, the movie follows Aang and his two new friends as they set out to complete the dual task of inspiring the oppressed peoples of their world to rise against the Fire Nation while they are en route to the Northern Water Tribe -- where Aang is to be trained in the martial art of “waterbending” by that tribe’s master waterbender.  All the while, they have to elude the Fire Lord’s disgraced son Prince Zuko who, under the supervision of his legendary uncle, General Iroh, is on a mission to capture the Avatar alive (‘cause if they kill him he just reincarnates), which is the only way for him to restore his honor.  Oh, and an ambitious Commander Zhao is also hot on their trail since he is using his ample resources to beat Zuko to the punch.  There.  That’s the plot.

 

I realize that is quite a bit of background info, but The Last Airbender universe is a kooky one.  It revolves around a tiny tattooed messiah whose preferred mode of transportation is a giant bison who flies, has six legs and a tail like a beaver for crying out loud.

 

So how was the movie itself?  Not as good as the cartoon, but still entertaining.  There were definitely things I liked.  For one thing, the young actress cast as Aang’s friend and travel companion Katara looks uncannily like the cartoon character, which I thought was fun.  Other casting choices were good too.  The people of the Fire Nation were played by actors of Indian or Middle Eastern descent -- including Dev Patel, who played the lead in Slumdog Millionaire in 2008.  Patel’s Prince Zuko ends up stealing the movie away from the title character since Patel does a much better job of portraying his character’s inner turmoil and angst.  While Aang, the Last Airbender, has similar issues, first time actor 13 year old Noah Ringer was much better with the spinning and the kicking than he was at the emoting.  But Patel also has better actors to work off of in his scenes.  Shaun Toub brings a stately elegance to Uncle Iroh, and Daily Show alum Aasif Mandvi is perfectly sleazy as Commander Zhao.  

 

Aside from some of the charismatic actors on screen the CGI is pretty good, and the cartoon’s kung fu was captured pretty well in live action, even if it was a little slow at times.  But the pluses just barely outweigh the minuses.  It’s clear now that M. Night Shyamalan’s ability as a story teller is completely gone.  This is a filmmaker that was crazy good for a while.  A little while.  After watching a couple of his early movies I thought, “This was almost like Alfred Hitchcock directed a movie written by Saki.”  Bear in mind, this was some ten years ago and I was kind of an idiot then.  My point is the guy could tell a story.  Not anymore. 

 

I realize this was mostly a kid’s movie, but the story was written ham-handedly to the point of distraction.  For example, the movie is full of flashbacks for Aang and Prince Zuko.  These flashbacks could have felt like exciting explorations into the characters’ respective histories, like the first couple of seasons of Lost … you know, when it was good.  Instead, we’re treated to silly introductions to these flashbacks, like when Uncle Iroh asks his nephew Zuko (after bluntly encouraging him to pick one of the pretty girls from the village they are currently in to, um, settle down with) why he’s obsessed with regaining his honor by catching the Avatar.  How does Zuko explain himself?  He randomly calls over a village boy and asks him to tell the story of Prince Zuko’s disgrace.  The boy’s story, which is accompanied by flashbacks that are interrupted by clarifications made by Zuko himself regarding the boy’s apparent misconceptions of the Prince’s motives for questioning his commanding officer, only tells what happened to Prince Zuko.  It never answers the original question of why he’s obsessed with honor and his father’s approval.  I wish Uncle Iroh had answered, “Right.  I was there.  I remember how your dad beat your face.  My question essentially is why -- note again -- why you’re obsessed with winning that monster’s approval.”  Then Zuko could have thought about it and answered, “I don’t know.  I would just settle down like you told me to, but Uncle, I don’t really like girls.”  Or something.  I don’t know, something!  Any interesting character development would have been fine, any at all!  

 

The plotline itself is kind of like The Matrix meets The Two Towers.  A reluctant messiah must “learn to let go” in order to tap into his real power (a la Neo), and the whole thing culminates in an epic battle that takes place in a storied city with previously impenetrable walls and defenses (see: The Battle for Helm’s Deep).  But this movie is missing something those two movies had, and that was abundant in the original cartoon: comic relief.  Shyamalan’s story was so dour that I struggled to maintain interest through most of it.  The biggest problem was how he transformed the two characters that delivered the bulk of the comedy in the cartoon.  Sokka, Aang’s other travel buddy, is constantly foraging for food, generally with slapstick results.  Uncle Iroh is a drunk, I mean, constantly drinking “tea,” and is mocked by people as severely as his disgraced nephew is.  But in the movie, Sokka has his jaw clenched constantly and is concerned only with his “responsibility,” which shifts from protecting his sister, to protecting Aang, to being a cute princess’ bodyguard/boyfriend.  The character Uncle Iroh is regal, powerful, wise and respected, which also deviates completely from the cartoon.  I don’t have a problem with any of these changes, but lighten the story up some other way.  Yeesh.   

 

One last complaint: the pronunciation of certain “a” sounds.  In the cartoon the “Aa” in “Aang”, is pronounced like the “a” in “apple.”  In the movie it’s pronounced “Ah-ng.”  Now, say “avatar.”  In the movie, it’s “ah-vah-taaaaaw.”  Go ahead, ask your friends if they’ve seen “ah-vah-taaaaaw,” then specify you’re talking about “ah-vah-taaaaaw: the Last Airbender,” and then ask them how to change the “ah-vah-taaaaaw” on your yahoo profile.  That look you’ll be seeing on their faces?  That’s the look of them fighting the urge to punch you in the heart.

 

Not a great movie, but not too bad either, especially since the last half hour is pretty entertaining.  The good thing about summer movies is that if you watch something you didn’t really like, a few days later there’s a whole new crop of blockbusters.

Toy Story 3

First some important news: this movie blog has a great new sponsor! And I'm going to do something I've never done before on this blog, or anywhere else for that matter: If you're planning on watching a movie this weekend, go watch Toy Story 3 at The Movies in Imperial. For one thing, the movie is awesome, but so is The Movies.

I have to admit that being from Calexico and living now in South El Centro (vast urban sprawl that it is), for the past several years I have watched my movies at Calexico 10 (before someone set it on fire ... wait, you mean no one took a match to that place, it just looks like crap? Yeesh) or at the Imperial Valley Mall.  But I can honestly say The Movies deserves our patronage.  As far as I know, no other multiplex in IV is as involved in the community.  For example, I've got a couple of young homies with autism, so I became a fan of the support group Autism Support of Imperial County on Facebook -- it's a condition I know very little about so I figured this was a convenient way to be little more informed.  Well I was very pleased to see Autism Support of IC announce that The Movies would be hosting a private screening of Toy Story 3 for its members.  And if that's not enough to sway you to go to The Movies in Imperial, they also have the best buttered popcorn in IV. Done.

As far as Toy Story 3 itself, I rolled my eyes when my wife said she wanted to go.  The second chapter of this story was only OK, and I couldn't see how the movie could be anything but stale.  I was wrong.

I think you should know going in though that your kids may not be all that interested in this movie.  I took my daughter -- who granted is only two and half years old, but loves cartoons -- and she had absolute zero interest in this movie.  I mean, didn't watch even a minute of it.  In the Toy Story series a fantastical world (the lives of toys) is explored in order to tell a compelling story, the kind of brilliant storytelling that only Pixar delivers, but that's entertaining on a level only adults can appreciate.  It's not like the Shrek series, where burping entertains the kids and pop culture references entertain their parents.  Toy Story 3 is a genuinely good movie that your kids might not like all that much.

*** SPOILER ALERT ***

I walked away from this movie thoroughly impressed by one moment in particular.  About three quarters of the way in Woody and company face certain doom.  The scene takes place in a gorgeously animated incinerator, but there is one moment in particular where Buzz (the spaceman toy) looks into Jessie's (the cowgirl toy) eyes as they all struggle to escape certain doom inside the incinerator.  Buzz doesn't say anything, his eyes (his eyes!) say everything, "It's over."  Animated films come in a wide spectrum of cartoon types, some of them look almost real, while others, like Toy Story, are cartoony cartoons.  That this movie's animators were able to get a character as cartoony as Buzz Lightyear to project thoughts and emotions that complex, without saying a word, was a real accomplishment.  Seriously, this was a great movie.  

The Prince of Persia vs. The Prince of Thieves

You might think the two movies Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time and Ridley Scott's Robin Hood have nothing in common, but they share one surprising and important feature: they're both summer blockbusters.  When was the last time Ridley Scott made a movie that could be called a summer blockbuster?  Aliens?  Anyway, in this show down of summer movie princes, nobody really wins since both movies are a little disappointing.

Let's start off with the movie that is part of what some feel is likely to be Hollywood's next trend, Prince of Persia, a movie based on a video game.  If the concept is ever going to work -- and while there are those that doubt it ever will I'd like to point out that Disney made a hugely successful film franchise based on a animatronic filled theme park ride -- they'll have to do what was done to the Prince of Persia series of video games in order to make this movie: use the title and nothing else.

Which isn't to say this was a good movie, it's pretty boring for a summer blockbuster, but it resembled Assassin's Creed far more than it did any of the Prince of Persia games, which were filled with puzzles for players to solve.  There wasn't even the slightest attempt to get the audience involved in such a way during this movie.  And really, that was my biggest problem with PoP:SoT (I like how this movie's acronym works out, don't you?  It sounds like a salty cockney phrase.  "Pop sot, you bloody wanker!"  Anyway....)  You're never all that interested in what's going on.  The action scenes are pretty fun, but the fun is a little hollow since you're never made to care about what happens to these characters.  Main characters were dying on screen, some pretty unceremoniously, and hardly a gasp was heard in the audience through it all.  You're never hanging on the edge of your seat during this movie, and it's not just because of the shallow plot.  It's everything else that's going on on-screen.  I'm easily distracted as it is, but PoP:SoT had me scratching my head all the way through.

The Accents.  I mean, unless the movie is taking place in a region where British accents are the norm, why is it OK to fill a movie taking place in a foreign land with actors using British accents?  My brother texted me earlier today.  "I'm watching Valkyrie.  All the Germans have British accents.  Except Tom Cruise.  He has an American accent."  It's laughable, right?  I'm not saying the movie should have used a ancient Persian dialect for the dialogue, but at least make the effort.  Look at Alfred Molina, whose hilarious performance is the best part of this movie.  He's actually from London.  His accent in this movie?  Vaguely middle-easterny.  That's all I'm asking for.

Big distraction number two: Jake Gyllenhaal's body.  I had the same problem with Brad Pitt in Troy a few years ago.  These guys took a ton of drugs to beef up for these movies.  It's insane!  Gyllenhaal went from this to this.  All those drugs were legal, by the way.  Testosterone, HGH, you're doctor can prescribe these, and they're great.  I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm just saying it's a little jarring to see little Jake Gyllenhaal rocked up out of his mind.  That's all.

Prince of Persia was OK, but it would have been funner if the lead roles had been a little more meaty, figuratively speaking.  Robin Hood didn't have this problem at all.  The cast for this Ridley Scott film was incredible, and the dialogue was pretty sharp and witty too.  Some critics complained that it wasn't lighthearted enough, falling too far outside the tradition of Robin Hood movies filled with merry men jumping down from trees and onto horses.  I thought the movie had a hefty sprinkling of humor, although most of it came from dialogue that seemed appropriate of the time and place of the story's setting.

Unlike Prince of Persia, there are no nagging visual distractions in this movie.  I'm no historian, but many of the details in the movie -- the farm equipment used, the quality of life in Medieval England, the presence of rats and dogs in a castle -- it all felt right.  Well, except for the part where Robin Hood demanded the King sign what is basically the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights.  That was a bit weird.  I call that the Magna Cart-stitution Bill Signing Scene.

ALERT: SPOILERS UP AHEAD

Overall Robin Hood is pretty good stuff, but there are two performances that I really enjoyed.  Cate Blanchett is really fun to watch as Marion, Robin's love interest.  She's a steely woman who has taken charge of her husband's lands in his absence, so when you see her almost callous reaction to news of his death you're not surprised (Robin Hood temporarily pretends to be her dead husband in order to protect his estate from being claimed by the Sheriff, by the way).  But Blanchett slowly develops the character over the course of the movie, and by the time you see Marion open up and display genuine grief over the death of her father-in-law (played nicely by Max von Sydow), you feel so invested in her character that you might find yourself shedding a tear or two with her.

Besides Blanchett, Mark Strong, the charismatic actor who played Hani in Scott's 2008 movie Body of Lies, was a real treat to watch as the villain Godfrey in this movie.  Just a perfect delivery of a angry, violent, ambitious monster of a villain.

My only problem with Robin Hood was that it devolves into a summer blockbuster in the end, with Crowe erupting out of the sea's tide like a Navy Seal and a silly ending that leaves open the possibility of a sequel that I'm sure will never come.  I like blockbusters, but that's not what this movie was through the first two hours, so the last twenty minutes were a little wacky.  Still, good stuff.

Iron Meh 2

The first time I went to San Francisco was with my family in the late Nineties.  It seems to me that every poorly planned street in that city is full of great places to eat.  Some are a hole-in-the-wall, others are pretty high end, but overall it’s hard to get a bad meal in San Francisco.  We ate at a particularly foofy place one night where my dad didn’t even look at the menu.  “Steak....  You just bring whatever steak you have....  Yes, just a steak.”  What he got was a huge slab of meat, which would have been just fine by him, had it not been perched atop four little green squash pillars.  Was the steak good?  It was sublime.  But the way it was served up was a bit much.

 

That is Iron Man 2.  Were any of today’s skilled/beautiful/charismatic actors not in this movie?  What was the casting meeting like?  “Fist off, Terrence Howard is out as War Machine.  It’s going to be mostly tight shots of his face under the mask, so whoever plays him should have big expressive eyes.  I’m thinking Don Cheadle.  Did you see him in Hotel Rwanda?  His face is so expressive he probably didn’t even have to talk.  He’s the one.  We also need a brooding villain with a gravelly voice, someone that can subtly portray a character with a deeply troubled soul.  Like Mickey Rourke did in The Wrestler.  Oh!  Mickey Rourke, of course!  Who’s going to play Black Widow ?  It has to be someone shapely and uncommonly beautiful.  I say ScarJo.  Agreed?  Good.  Make sure she’s willing to let us throw in fortuitous shots of her in her undies.  I mean, why not, right?  Now who is going to play Tony Stark’s father.  Hmmm.  It would be nice if we could get someone who we know for sure looks great in mid twentieth century styles.  Let’s also keep in mind that Tony Stark is a billionaire playboy.  Who said the name Roger Sterling?  Perfect.  So right.  What else is left?  There are a couple of scenes involving the media.  We need a Christiane Amanpour type and a Bill O’Reilly type.  Aw, screw it just have them both come on board.”

 

Imagine if they had made an Avengers movie fifty years ago starring Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, Cary Grant, Marlon Brando, Charlton Heston, Marilyn Monroe and Grace Kelly, for starters.  That sounds crazy, doesn’t it?  Even if it was good, wouldn’t you spend the whole movie thinking, “Damn it’s weird that all these big stars are in a comic book super hero movie.”?  Speaking of The Avengers, this movie makes direct reference to that mega super hero movie coming in 2012.  Who are they going to get to play Thor?  Jesus?

 

Was Iron Man 2 fun?  Absolutely.  The scene where Rourke’s character Ivan Vanko first attacks Tony Stark is spellbinding.  Sam Rockwell is, as always, a real treat, and apparently that boy can dance!  I’m talking James Brown footwork.  Sam Jackson gave his character Nick Shield a heavy slather of Sam Jackson this time around, which is always fun to watch.  On top of all that there’s Robert Downey Jr. and a plot that has enough going on to keep you entertained through two hours.  Look, you can’t have a movie with a cast that good and have it not be a joy to watch.  You can’t have a blockbuster with a budget that huge and have it not be full of awesome action scenes.  Iron Man 2 couldn’t miss, and it didn’t.  But the way it was served up was a bit much, that’s all I’m saying.

Crrraaaaaaaaaaaaaa ...

... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So a few months ago I get the brilliant idea to spend several weeks going over my favorite movies of the decade by dedicating one post a week to each year of the Aughts -- instead of becoming part of the white noise looking back at the decade that was in the last few days of December '09. I was rolling right along for a few weeks when my brother asked me, "Are you trying to post every week until the end of the year?  Are you sure you can keep that up?"  Of course I can, was my thought.

Nope.  Not even close.  I get blah blah blah and then blah blah blah came up -- you get the point.  So here are my extremely belated thoughts on the past decade of movies.  Lets get this outta the way so we can get to some of the [stuff] (expletive deleted) I've seen more recently.

The Funniest Man of the Aughts

There were a few solid funny men: Ben Stiller, Steve Coogan, Simon Pegg.  Early in the decade it looked like Owen Wilson was going to be the greatest force American comedic cinema would ever see, a remarkable blend of wit and writing ability in a highly capable perfomer, and then ... nothing.  As late as 2005 Will Ferrell looked like the second coming of Chevy Chase, then it turned out he was the second coming of Chevy Chase.  I'm sure by the year 2050 he'll be mildly entertaining on a poorly watched NBC sitcom (if NBC still exists).

The only one who made me laugh movie after movie was Jack Black.  Facts: He delivered a hilarious performance in at least one movie ... almost every year ... for a decade.  If there were some kind of HGH for comedy, he'd be the Barry Bonds of Hollywood.  If Conan had Jack Black perform Free Bird to end the Tonight Show instead of that worn out hack Ferrell NBC execs would have recognized and apologized for their mistake, marched up to Jay Leno and shot him in the face.  Me and the boys quote Nacho Libre like it's inspired by God.  I'm not saying he'll keep it up forever, I'm just saying he's the funniest man alive.

Best Movie of the Decade

El Laberinto del Fauno (Pan's Labyrinth).  Just a sublime, fantastic piece of storytelling.  You never watched it?!  Watch. It.

Funniest Woman of the Aughts

Anna Faris.  Easily.  Smiley Face features the best comedic acting from a woman since ... since ... hmmm....

The Pleasant Surprise That Was Also A Disappointment

Hamlet 2 was a little movie starring Steve Coogan and Catherine Keener.  Through the first quarter of the movie Steve Coogan has the laughs exploding out of nowhere thanks to the skilled delivery of lines like, "I feel like I've been raped [slight pause] in the face!" and a unexpectedly revealing high kick in a mumu.  I was thinking to myself, "Andrew Fleming (the director) and Steve Coogan are the new Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder!"  But no, that comedic hot fire petered out, even though the movie itself continued to be funny and entertaining.  I liked it.

Best Superhero Movie

It feels like we saw more superhero movies in the Aughts than all the other decades combined.  Most of them were not very good, but The Dark Knight was legitimately great.  Not only was Heath Ledger incredible to watch (I think we've all had enough time to judge whether his untimely death affected our judgment of his performance, and it didn't), but the movie delivered surprisingly thoughtful commentary on 9/11 and it's aftermath.  It's probably my favorite superhero movie ... after Superman II, of course.

Best Performance from a Washed-Up Actor who Looked Totally Different in the Role

Not Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder.  That was overrated, no?  I wish they had given Danny McBride that much attention, he kinda stole the movie.  But my winner here was Ben Affleck in Extract.  Dude was hilarious again!  I mean, for once.

Best Cartoon

Avatar*.  Just kidding.  The Incredibles, and it wasn't an easy choice -- it kills me not to pick the Simpsons Movie.  There were some amazing animated films over the past ten years.  I feel pampered.

But Avatar was cartoony.  Yes it was.  Yes it was!  And you know what?  It was too long.  The first hour was down right boring.  I'm all for giving a story time to develop, but that's not what the first hour of Avatar was about.  James Cameron went out of his way to impress us with his CGI prowess to the point that I can borrow a line of Peter "il plagiario" Griffin: Avatar insists upon itself.  But that was no surprise.  Every major movie James Cameron has made in the past fifteen years -- all two of them -- has been bloated, sixty to seventy minutes too long and focused on bland performances.  James Cameron calls his CGI "performance capture," but other than Zoe Saldana and Giovanni Ribisi (uncartooned performance capture) Avatar was full of flat acting, especially from the male lead.  Avatar sucked.  There, I said it.

And if you say, "It changed film making forever," I have four words for you, Revenge of the Sith.  Watch it on Spike next time it's on.  That movie came out just five years ago, yet you can see better CGI during actual video-game-play now.  The movie looks like a joke, and in 2015 you'll be skipping over Avatar on cable TV too.  It ain't Terminator, it ain't Aliens, it's True Lies.

*Originally I had called the movie "Avatar" by the name of the fictional planet where the movie takes place "Pandora," as pointed out by my brother Humberto .  Excuse me, but when I think "Avatar" I think of what is now known as The Last Air Bender

You Oughta Know -- 2004

A long goodbye to the Decade-that-never-got-a-nickname.

How about we take the next few weeks to remember movies from each year of the Whatevers (Aughts, Aughties, Double O's -- whatever) that we loved and hated?

So I'm listening to an old Maná song I hadn't heard in years, one of my favorites from them, "Como Diablos".  Always liked it.  Fun, poppy, it's a good song. But as I'm listening I start thinking, "This band has made this song at least five times since they released this album -- how long ago? -- fifteen years ago, I think.  This exact same song.  They were such a great band when I was a kid.  Bold sociopolitical topics in their music, great sound, but after this album they completely stopped evolving.  Just the same album over and over again.  They're like the Aerosmith of rock en Español.... Who do they remind me of?  I always thought they had such a bright, vibrant musical style, but there is something very familiar -- they sound just like The Police!  How did I never notice before?!"  I found myself turning on a song I'd liked my whole life when I had to cut myself off, "Hey, I like this song!  Who cares about all that?  It's a fun song!  So shut up!"

I do this with just about anything I eat, drink, watch or listen to.  I start tearing it apart, if left to my own devices, until I don't enjoy it anymore (my wife got so fed up of me ruining her favorite shows that I'm not allowed to make comments while she watches TV anymore).  There are some deep seeded issues there, I'm sure, but I'll fight those demons for this post and keep things a little more lighthearted.  The acting on Lost is so bad every season that it brings the show down several notches. OK, OK.  Ha ha.  Three quarters of the latest Paramore album sounds like it was recorded by Avril Lavigne.  Alright, yeah, we get it.  The burgers at Burgers & Beer are at best -- at their very, very best -- average.  Eating at that place is the worst use of twenty dollars imaginable.  Enough!  Away with you!  You shall not pass!...

OK, on to the movies of 2004:

The Best

I couldn't make up my mind between Hellboy and The Incredibles, just two incredibly well crafted movies.  Guillermo del Toro is my favorite director, and I never pick favorites.  Ever.  His ability to make the grotesque beautiful is absolutely spellbinding.  But truth be told, while Hellboy was a ton of fun, the nebulous evil battled in the end was a disappointment. 

The Incredibles on the other hand was completely without flaws. Over the past few years I've rarely watched a movie more than once, but I've watched the Incredibles countless times.  The storylines are compelling and after more than five years the animation still looks great, but it's the vocal acting that I love the most.  Jason Lee was particularly great.  So, maybe the edge goes to Mr. Incredible over Hellboy.

Movies I Wish I Hadn't Watched

Oceans Twelve (just a complete waste of time -- does anyone remember exactly what this movie is about?) and The Phantom of the Opera.  It's not just that, aside from Minnie Driver, the singing and acting were so bad, it was the brutal experience I had at the theater.  I think I've written about it here before.  My wife and I sat in the back of an almost empty theater during a matinee screening, yet a slightly-past-middle-age woman decided to sit right next to me.  Not a few seats away, the seat immediately next to mine.  And that woman was intense.  She accompanied the overture with her air pipe organ.  At the emotional end of Act 1 she -- in tears -- followed The Phantom's dialogue word for word. "Christine ... Christiiiiiiine!"  When encountered with one of the story's many sprinklings of humor, she didn't so much as chuckle.  Crazy intense.

My Third Favorite Christian Bale Movie of the Decade

The Machinist.  Twisted storytelling, an incredible physical transformation from the lead actor and an increasingly rare animal: (sigh) a solid CBale performance.

The Nerdy Pleasures

Spiderman 2 was by far the best Spiderman movie.  I love Alfred Molina -- from 2000 to 2005.  In that span he was in Chocolat, Frida, Coffee and Cigarettes and Spiderman 2.  Since then?  A few TV guest appearances, a little vocal work for some great cartoons and a bunch of forgettable movies.  It's too bad, but man was he fun to watch as Doc Ock....  Honestly?  That train scene where the people carry Spiderman after he blacks out, that gets me.  Every time.  Right here.

The Chronicles of Riddick is a less celebrated geek pleasure from 2004, but I have more than a few hardcore geek buddies.  They rarely agree on anything, but they all seem to love this movie trilogy.  It's pretty fun!

Movies I Should Have Watched Because I'm Sure I Would Have Liked Them

Million Dollar Baby, Les Choristes, Friday Night Lights and Maria Full of Grace.  Sometimes I let things slip, I just don't know what else to tell you.

The Hilarious Movies that Were Raunchy Enough To Keep a Few People Away

Dodgeball (it was raunchy, don't you remember Ben Stiller's food fetish and Rip Torn's performance?) and Shaun of the Dead (about as close as I venture to horror, yes I know I'm a bit of a weenie).

The Hilarious Movies that Were So Raunchy No One Should Ever, Ever Watch Them

Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle and Team America: World Police.  Just remembering these crazy movies exist makes me laugh.

You Oughta Know -- 2003

A long goodbye to the Decade-that-never-got-a-nickname.

How about we take the next few weeks to remember movies from each year of the Whatevers (Aughts, Aughties, Double O's -- whatever) that we loved and hated?

(Sorry I missed last week.  Sometimes I get crazy busy!)

Lets shake things up and break this year down month by month:

January

The most putrid month in the history of film, January '03 brought us Just Married (featuring Brittany Murphy of King of the Hill fame opposite the immortal Ashton Kutcher), Final Destination ... part 2 and Kangaroo Jack to name a few.  The most notable movie of the month?  Biker Boyz.  A great big nothing of a movie that was supposed to duplicate the success of movies like The Fast and The Furious, but completely bombed.  Donlt remember it?  Here's a clip where Kid Rock's character -- let me repeat that -- Kid Rock's character ... challenges Laurence Fishburne's character for the title of "King of Cali."

It's Laurence Fishburne that makes this the most notable movie of the month.  Has there ever been a movie star like him?  The guy was in Apocalypse Now thirty years ago.  Three decades!  How many good movies -- no -- how many watchable movies has he made in that time?  Ten.  I counted.  If Sean Connery doesn't turn down the role of Morpheus, I don't know what this guy's career would be.  There's a reason the man is on network TV now.

February

A major fork in the road came this month for bean town buddies Matt Damon and Ben Affleck.  In February of '03 Damon released Gerry (pronounced "Jerry"), a collaboration with Casey Affleck and Good Will Hunting director Gus Van Sant.  It's a cooky movie where where Van Sant gets real nerdy with some of the things he does visually, and the dialogue is goofy too.  The only characters in the movie are Affleck and Damon, they call each other Gerry and even use Gerry as a verb, "You gerried the landing," I think they say at one point.  Is it a good movie?  No, it's torture.  There's a scene where Casey Affleck's character has to figure out a way off a giant rock he had to climb.  The two characters discuss the exit options at length, which was a very funny scene, but I only watched for about twenty more minutes before I gave up on the movie.  Still, it was Damon making a movie for all the right reasons, I think.

While Damon was getting his movie-nerd on in Gerry, Ben Affleck was starring in Daredevil.  The highlight of this movie?  Jennifer Garner's training scene and Amy Lee wailing in the background, which accounts for about five minutes of screen time.  It dawns on me that there are teenagers today who will watch this movie on basic cable and be astounded, not only that the Daredevil is so lumpy, but that digital effects were so primitive some seven years ago.  No, kids, the movie was considered cartoony back then too.  It's a summer blockbuster movie that was released in February.  Not an accident.

So it's no wonder that today you can count on Damon for a good movie every other year, and you can count on Affleck for unwatchable, big budget garbage.

March

The super fun Bend It Like Beckham was released this month.  I'm about to ruin Keira Knightley forever for you by passing along a comment my sister made a few years ago: "She's pretty, but her lower lip is always hanging.  It's wierd."  Never noticed it before she pointed that out, have not stopped staring at that low hanging lip ever since.

April

The most notable movie for me this month?  Phone Booth.  I ... I liked it.

May

Fact: The Italian Job is a better caper movie than Ocean's 11.  Yes it is.  Yes it is.  Yes it is!

June

This one gave January a run for the title of Worst Movie Month in History.  Hulk.  Hulk was the best movie released in June of 2003.

July

The Curse of the Black Pearl was probably the funnest movie released this month.  I say "probably" because everyone went to watch this one without me.  Everyone.  Even my wife didn't wait for me, and so, in protest, I vowed never to watch this movie.  And I never will.

August

One of the most remarkable career shifts we saw in the Aughts came from Paul Giamatti.  He went from playing "Pig Vomit" in Private Parts in the late Nineties to being nominated for an Oscar in 2005 for his performance in Cinderalla Man -- which was a make-up nomination.  He was nothing special in that movie (whereas Russell Crowe had to act like he was in love with Rene Zellweger ... I have to admit that took skill); but if you think the nomination he truly deserved was for Sideways in 2004, you're a little off.  You have to go back a year further to August of 2003 when American Splendor was released.

American Splendor is a sweet and funny story that was based on the life of cult comic book writer Harvey Pekar and told using a combination of dramatization, animation, monologues and interviews.  It's fun.  I don't say this often, but if you haven't watched American Splendor, watch American Splendor!

September

Lost in Translation.  Most nuanced performance of Bill Murray's career -- much better than he was in Rushmore.  Which was the best performance of his career?  Caddyshack.  That was easy.  I've liked the New Bill, but if like me you long for the ol' wacky Bill you'll be happy to hear Ghostbusters III is definitely in the works.

October November December

This period was dominated by the lead up and release of the conclusions of two of the best trilogies ever made, The Matrix: Revolutions and Return of the King.  It frustrates me that people always bag on Reloaded and Revolutions.  They were damn good and have shown to be tremendously influential action movies.  You know what?  I'm gonna watch them right now.  Never gets old.

(Note: Elf was released the same week as Revolutions.  That movie cost 32 million to make and brought in almost 400 million dollars worldwide just at the box office.  If you wonder why Will Ferrell gets to make any stupid movie he wants, Elf is the reason.)

You Oughta Know -- 2002

A long goodbye to the Decade-that-never-got-a-nickname.

How about we take the next few weeks to remember movies from each year of the Whatevers (Aughts, Aughties, Double O's -- whatever) that we loved and hated?

Funnest Year of the Decade

At the movies at least.  There weren't a ton of remember-fondly-for-the-rest-of-your-life films in 2002, but many of them were thoroughly entertaining: LOTR: The Two Towers; Minority Report; Chicago; Panic Room; Catch Me If You Can; Gangs of New York; Iris; The Hours; The Bourne Identity; The Count of Monte Cristo (hey, I liked it, OK?!) and the first Spiderman movie -- to name a few.  

Spiderman is a little bittersweet to look back on.  The series was such a massive success that I think people forget how genuinely exciting it was to go watch a movie geeks had been waiting on for decades.  And that upside-down-kiss-in-the-rain scene?  I know of at least three geek friends that blacked out.  I mean it.  They had to go back and watch the movie a second time to remember what came after that scene.  You think I'm joking?  Just so you know, I have the strong suspicion that one of my friends dated, got engaged and is now happily married to a woman simply because her first and middle names start with the letters "M" and "J" respectively.  He found MJ and had to marry her.  It's not a healthy life these people lead.

Anyway, there is one movie that stands above the rest for me.

The Best

The Pianist, which I didn't watch until early 2003, but it premiered in December 2002, so I counted it here.  Yes, it was directed by current scum of the earth Roman Polanski, but crimes committed thirty years ago aside, this is a beautiful movie that was undeniably well crafted.  I didn't even notice how deeply the movie had drawn me in until I reached that scene where that Nazi Officer gave the film's protagonist, at that point starving and freezing, the only food he had with him -- some homey looking jam wrapped in paper.  The expression on Adrien Brody's face after he digs his index finger into the jam and tastes it -- it floored me.  Years later, I still think of that moment almost every time I have jam, and I have jam often.

Speaking of Brody, has this ever happened before?  The guy was in one good movie.  One!  Nothing good before, nothing good since.  One hit wonders are common in pop music, but this is on a whole other level.  This wasn't like a pop song with a catchy hook that everyone loathes months after it becomes popular, this was a well deserved Oscar winning performance.  Look at the Oscar nominees and winners for the entire decade.  Did anyone deliver a better performance than Brody in the Pianist?  I say no.  Best performance of the decade, yet everything we saw before that from Brody and everything we've seen since has been forgettable.  It's like if the Beatles had recorded Yesterday -- pop music perfection -- and everything else in their catalog was overhyped, mediocre crap....  Well, that's not a good example.

The Little Movies That Could

There were a few that year: Bowling for Columbine (remember when Michael Moore was cute?  Ah, they grow up so fast), Igby Goes Down (if you never saw this movie, see it.  Baaaaaaaaaaah!  That's where I know Lane Pryce on Mad Men from!  He was the douchy boyfriend), El Crimen del Padre Amaro, My Big Fat Greek Wedding and my personal favorites The Transporter and Le Pacte des Loups .  OK, so that last one is not a tiny film since it was made with a $30 million budget, but any foreign film is at a disadvantage in the US market.

The Big Movies That Couldn't

Attack of the Clones, K-19 The Widowmaker, Maid in Manhattan and every Adam Sandler project.

My Favorite

Orange County.  I can't help it.  I watch this movie every time I come across it and laugh just as hard every time.  "Yeah, [today is] like his death birthday."  See?  I just cracked up at that.

The Incident

I love cartoons so I dragged my wife out to watch Ice Age in 2002, which she ended up loving as well.  The problem was that, in her endless quest to drive me insane, she made sure we got there late and not only missed the previews, but sat in the front section of the theater.  This turned out to be a very fortunate turn of events for everyone else in the theater, though.  The scene in the movie where Sid the Sloth (voiced by John Leguizamo) fights with the last flock of dodos for some melons, the one where he destroys the melon in a celebratory spike is special to us.  First off, I watch a lot of cartoons and that scene has everything you could want.  Beautiful colors, irreverent humor, over the top movements and loads of wacky action.  It's a great cartoon.  But more than anything, that melon spike is timed perfectly.  So perfectly that my wife drank from her large soda thinking the scene was over only to explode in laughter at seeing the scene's real comedic climax, spewing forth a giant misty cloud of soda.  Good times.

You Oughta Know -- 2001

A long goodbye to the Decade-that-never-got-a-nickname.

Again, let's break it down:

The Best

Again, not the movie the Academy picked (which again starred Captain Fathead, this time in A Beautiful Mind -- don't get me wrong, I liked it), but it was a movie that was also nominated.  I realize I'm not doing much to enhance my machoness here, but as always, I say this pick proves my machoness: Moulin Rouge.  Yes, I loved this movie.  Let me explain.

Bear in mind that by 2001 digital effects had just started to take over the movies.  That year eight of the top ten grossing movies relied heavily, or entirely in the cases of Monsters Inc and Shrek, on digital artwork.  Just five years earlier in 1996, only three of the top ten movies at the box office were heavy on digital effects (Independence Day, Twister and Mission: Impossible).  Five years before that, in 1991, in only one of the top ten movies (Terminator 2) did digital effects play a major role.

So by the time Moulin Rouge came around I was already a little tired of movies that were heavy on special effects, but big-empty-nothings when it came to storytelling.  In the weeks leading up to Moulin Rouge I had watched The Mummy Returns and Pearl Harbor.  Yeah.  One of the things I loved most about Moulin Rouge -- and I loved a lot of things about this movie -- was the use of digital artwork to enhance the storytelling.  The use of special effects in this movie aren't a distraction -- they make you feel like you're in the middle of the fairy tale that's unfolding.  That's not an easy balance to maintain, and it made the movie a real treat.

Unfortunately, Moulin Rouge isn't remembered with the fondness it should be.  Two years after Moulin Rouge brought the musical back to Hollywood, the spiritual leader of smugness Richard Gere went out of his way to bash Moulin Rouge while he promoted Chicago, and people bought it.  Now, when people talk about the best musicals from the Aughts, Moulin Rouge is barely part of the conversation.  But know this: Half of the top ten highest grossing musicals of all time were released after Moulin Rouge.  Not a coincidence -- this movie paved the way.

The Worst

I Am Sam and Glitter.  You should have seen how giddy I got when I first saw Tropic Thunder and Robert Downey, Jr's character started breaking down the major flaw in Ben Stiller's character's performance in "Special Jack".  My reaction went something like this, "Please zing Sean Penn.  Oh please, oh please....  Yeeeees!  Bwaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha!!!!"  I'm only slightly exaggerating.

The Seismic Shift In Pop Culture

One of the biggest surprises of the decade was how the Geek became a celebrated figure in pop culture.  It all started in 2001 when two insanely geeky films were so impossibly well done that no one could deny they were cool.  Not the captain of the football team, not the cholo sitting in the back of the room making noises to get attention, no one.  Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone changed pop culture dramatically.  Someday, geeks won't understand the premise of Revenge of the Nerds.  It's a good thing, I think.

The Guiltiest of Guilty Pleasures

A Knight's Tale, The Wedding Planner and Saving Silverman.  I'm human, people.

The Peaks

Some would argue that Wes Anderson has been one of the most influential film makers of his generation.  Maybe, but while most people would say he peaked with Rushmore -- a snobbish few would claim it was Bottle Rocket -- I say his best work was in The Royal Tenenbaums.  It's polished, well crafted and above all, hilarious.

He wasn't the only one that peaked in '01.  As Erik pointed out last week, Mexican films were making an impressive showing early in the decade.  Unfortunately, it didn't last, but the best of these movies was Y Tu Mamá También.  Classism is one of my favorite themes, and I love the complexity it brings to the main characters' dynamic.  Plus, the storytelling in this movie was a quirky treat.

Ocean's Eleven was the peak of the George Clooney/Brad Pitt collaborations.  It was their first as far as I know.  All down hill from here.

And then there's Johnny Depp.  Take a look at his career, it's full of peaks and valleys.  Peak # 4, by my count, came in 2001 with Blow.  In a career full of peaks, I think this was his most impressive performance -- the man improvised most of his dialogue! 

(Looking up what Depp has on tap is always fun.  It's impossible to tell what's going to be good.  One of the projects he's rumored to be working on is Dali.  Depp has always played eccentric characters, is it possible he'll be playing one of the weirdest dudes of all time?)

The Movie That Makes Me Realize 2001 Was A Long Time Ago

Valentine.  I never watched this slasher movie, but one day I ran into a couple of friends on the street who seemed extraordinarily excited to see me, "Rigoooo!  We watched Valentine last night, and it's ... well it's like -- whatever.  But the whole time you don't know who the killer is, until the end.  They show the killers face, but like only half his face and it's David Boreanaz!  You know, Angel.  He looked exactly like you, dude!  We couldn't get over it!"  Have you seen the caricature at the top of this page?  2001 was a long time ago.
....

On a completely self indulgent note, I lost yet another Slate contest.  Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.  This time it was a short story contest for the Significant Objects project.  The challenge was to take an object purchased at a flea market, in this case a barbecue jar, and write a short story to give it value.  I was one of the twelve finalists, but a douche bag playwright out of New York won.  On the plus side, one of the project's curators sent me an email saying I'd be welcome to write a story for phase 2 of the project, which is nice....  Did I just swipe at the bouquet? 

Anyway, the homies said I should post my story for kicks and giggles.  I hesitated because it's drawn from real experiences so you really have no business reading it.  Nosy.  But here it is:

I love the sound of my daughter screaming.  Whether she’s angry because she doesn’t want to go to bed or something startled her in the middle of the night, I love seeing the veins in her little neck pop out as her whole body turns red.  It’s a beautiful sight to me, and it brings a smile to my face every time I see it.

She is, by me and my wife’s count, our third child.  The first two, Joaquín and Emma Katherine, never drew their first breath.  You know those seconds that immediately follow an earthquake, when everyone stands silent and motionless, their bodies completely unsure of what to do next?  That was our home after that pregnancy didn’t work out.  The chaotic home I had been dreading for months was instead transformed into a silent shell of a building.  There were no screams at 2 AM.  There were no kids yelling and laughing and getting in the TV’s way while I tried to watch football.  There was nothing.  So I’ve loved every sound my Itzel Noemí has made from the moment she was born.

But my home’s silence through that difficult time was, in part, my own doing.  I really didn’t want anyone’s company, so I was less than hospitable when Miguel, an uncomfortable acquaintance of ours, came knocking to offer his support.  I wasn’t in the mood for support, especially not his.  He’s a strange man, honestly.  Middle-aged, a hair style so off that it manages to be both too much and not enough like Elvis’, single, never married, never dated, never left home.  And what he brought as a token of his feelings was correspondingly weird.  A small, glossy, ugly, little jar that, as spelled out in gaudy yellow letters, was meant to be a vessel for “BAR-B-Q SAUCE” – complete with a barbecue brush attached to the bottom of the lid.

You must understand what a deeply odd gift this was.  It was mid-July in South Eastern California, where temperatures over 115º F are common.  No one barbecues in those conditions, not to mention it’s not exactly barbecue country to begin with.  We’re just not excited by the sound of wood softly crackling at the bottom of a smoker.  The sound we love is that of fatty carne asada sizzling violently on a hot grill.

“You brought us a lot of food when my dad died last year,” he explained in his invariably flat voice, “I really appreciated it.  Can I come in?”  He sat and drank a tense cup of coffee, clearing his throat often and forcing me to look away every time his dark brown eyes welled with tears.  But that monotonous voice is what brought sound back to our home.  Somehow, he managed to soothe our nerves and lift our spirits.

I’ve come to understand why the jar says “BAR-B-Q.”  “Friendship, life, love and strength,” would have been too straight forward.  Not Miguel’s style at all.